Anti-manu Jokes

Manchester United Even the Pope hates them

A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan,so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt. The Popemobilestops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you scum to piss off yesterday?"...

Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks
"that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff.
He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass man utd fan?"

A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says
"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid".
"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes.
"Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup
"Final wish"
After some thought the Liverpool fan replies:
"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

Kamran Malik

Manchester United Jokes Old, But Still Funny!!!!!!!!!! (nicked from Evertonia list!)

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female Manchester United Fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea.

Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Manchester United Fan?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan..... Twice.

Q: What is the difference between a Manchester United Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What do you call 5000 dead Manchester United Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran over David Beckham".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass,the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

Why does Ryan Giggs fancy Brittney Spears?
"Baby hit me on more time!"

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit ready for another hard days work of being an over privileged little shit. Catching  sight of himself in the mirror he thinks:
"By god, Dave, you're looking good this morning".
He admires the fine cut of his outfit and the neat trim of his hair, and flexes his biceps.
"Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the Red Shite's kit he was wearing. He enters the kitchen downstairs and Posh hands him a bowl of Cornflakes.
"You're looking fit this morning, Dave".
"To be sure," says the thick pillock appreciatively."I feel good as well."
"But you're not smelling so good, mind" comments his beloved. Dave takes a sniff.
"You're right there." he says worriedly. "I am smelling a bit rough."
He eats his cereal, downs his coffee, and sets off for Old Trafford.
"Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson.
"It's a fine morning Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good.
"Why thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well,"says Dave flexing both arms for his benefit.
"Oh Dave!" winces Alex in disgust, "you smell awful! Worried, Dave visits his doctor.
"Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful." The doc reaches down for his medical dictionary.
"You look good," he scans down the page, "you feel great....but.....smell awful.
"Hmmm yes..." "It's quite simple, Dave," the doctor says, "You're a c*nt."

Alistair Laignel

3 football fans are leaving the big game, one from Brighton, one from Chelsea, and one from Manchester United, when they come across the body of a dead woman lying naked in the middle of the road. Not sure what they should do, the Brighton fan takes off his supporters cap and places it over her left breast. The Chelsea supporter follows suit, placing his cap over her right breast, finally the Manchester United supporter places his Mancheser United cap over her 'lower regions', and they decide they should call the police.
Several minutes later the policeman arrives and goes over to the body to inspect it. First he lifts the Brighton cap, and looks briefly at her left breast. Next he lifts the Chelsea cap, looking briefly at the woman's right breast. Finally he lifts the Mancheser United supporters cap off the woman, but instead of looking briefly, he stares at the woman's 'privates' for about 2 minutes.
Putting the cap down the police man thinks to himself and lifts the cap again. This time staring for about 5 minutes.  The supporters think this kind of behaviour a little strange, and when the policeman finally finishes staring and comes over to them, they ask him what he had been looking at for so long.
The policeman replies: "It's the darnedest thing, but that's the first time I've ever seen anything other than an arsehole under an Manchester United cap"

Gary P Thomas

Q  Why are Man United hoping to build a 40 thousand seater stadium in Brighton
A  So they can be nearer their fan base

True (honest!) story from Newham Gazette in East London. Harry Redknapp was driving away from Upton Park after a recent home win. Harry had drunk a couple of celebratory beers and was in good humour. As he approached a pedestrian crossing he noticed a couple of low life in Man U kit starting to cross. Unfortunately Harry braked too late and collided with the pair. One of them span up through the windscreen of Harry's Merc and the other bounced off down the High Street rolling around in agony. P.C.Plod arrives and Harry explained
"Sorry guv I didn't see them until it was too late".
The constable,being a good Hammers fan says
"Don't worry Mr Redknapp I'll book this one (pointing to the one embedded into the windscreen) for breaking and entering and I'll do the other arsehole for leaving the scene of the accident.

Q: Have you heard the one about the Manc who bought an AM radio?
A: He'd had it two years before he realised he could listen to it in the afternoon.

Geoff Toates

Arsene Wenger and the Arsenal team are having a chat in the dressing room before their match against Manchester Utd.
"Look guys, I know they're shite..", explains Arsene, "but we have to play them to keep the FA happy".
"I'll tell you what..", pipes up Bergkamp, "You guys go down the pub and I'll play them on my own, how does that sound?".
"Seems reasonable.", replies Arsene and the other lads, and with that they all go down the Highbury Tavern and start playing pool. After an hour or so, Vieria remembers the match and flicks to pub telly onto Ceefax: Arsenal 1 (Bergkamp 10min), Manchester Utd 0 - is the score line. Couple of minutes later  they recheck the score and it is Arsenal 2 (Bergkamp 11min), Manchester Utd 0 "- Confidently they resume their pool match for the next hour until switching back to Ceefax, the final score reads: Arsenal 2 Manchester Utd 1 (Giggs 89min).
"WHAT!!",they exclaim and run back to Highbury where they find Dennis sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
"What the *.!$% happened, Dennis?", bellows Tony Adams.
"Sorry lads", Bergkamp replies, "Bloody ref sent me off in the 12thminute".

Mikko Kynen

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were exploring deepest, darkest  Africa when they came across a huge river. They were just wondering how they would get across when a leprechaun appeared on the riverbank.
"If you can get across this river without being eaten by the crocodiles" he said, "I'll give you my pot of gold...".
"No problem" says the Englishman. He gets halfway across before being swallowed by an enormous crocodile.
The Scotsman goes next but almost as soon as he touches the water, a croc. gets him. Finally it's the Irishman's turn. Before diving in, he gets out a permanent marker and writes "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 1999-2000" on his shirt. He then dives in and swims all the way across, no problem.
"That's amazing" says the leprechaun, "How on earth did writing "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 1999-2000" stop the crocodiles from eating you?"
"Well", says the Irishman, "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 1999-2000? Not even a crocodile can swallow that!!" 

Q, Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?  It's the only
A, place in the world with no atmosphere!  

Fire brigade phones Alex Ferguson in the early hours of Sunday morning... "Mr Ferguson sir, Old Trafford  is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Alex.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."