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Two boys are playing football on a park in London. Suddenly a dog appears and sinks its teeth into the younger boy's chest.
The elder picks up stick and drives it through the dog's heart, killing it.
A reporter observes all of this and asks the
boy if he can write a story on it. He takes out a notebook and puts down the title
"ARSENAL FAN SAVES FRIEND'S LIFE"
The
boy says "I don't support Arsenal". so the reporter puts down
"CHELSEA FAN SAVES FRIEND'S LIFE"
The boy says "I don't
support Chelsea",so the reporter asks "Who do you support?", and the boy replies "Man U". So, the reporter writes down
"GLORY
HUNTING IDIOT KILLS FAMILY PET"
Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building.
The Fire Brigade duly arrive and
hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto. They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the
club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away and Keane splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant,
high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....
"You'll move the blanket"
he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.
"Come
on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies.
"But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and
move at least ten yards away from it..."
David Beckham walk's into a fish and chip shop and orders a large chips and a fish. The lady at the counter say's it won't
be long, So David say's it better be fat then
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings,
and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that
there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and
the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the
door. It was the Jew. "I'm
sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the
Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry,"
he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because
I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share
the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the
pig.
Q. How many Man. United fans does it take to pave a driveway?
A. Depends how thin you slice them!
Q. What's red and white and funny?
A. A bus load of Man. United fans going over a cliff!
Q. Did you hear about the Man. United fan who studied 2 weeks for his urine test?
Q. What do you call a Man. United fan with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What do you call 100 Man. United fans at the bottom of a cliff?
A. A good start!
Q. What's the difference between a Pyromaniac and MUFC?
A. A Pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches!
Q. What do you call a pregnant Man. United fan?
A. A dope carrier!
Manchester United wer playing St. Mary's School For The Infirmed, a charity match played in London last week.
United
played an in a unusually rough manner, considering the infirmed side fielded two defenders in wheelchairs, a striker that
used a guide dog and the goalie using a zimmer frame.
Finally, the St. Mary's manager, with great anger and frustration,
pulled his team off the pitch with thirty minutes left in the half.
It then took Manchester United twenty minutes to score
a disputed goal and win the match 1 - 0.
Q.How do you circumsize a manc?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw
Q: How can you tell when a United tart has an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips
A young United Tart falls in love with a man and brings him home. Dad is horrified to see the young man wearing a United
shirt. The bastard even has the gall to ask for her hand in marriage. Dad is polite enough, but manages to get round the question
of consent, and after the Scum fu*ks off, he tells his daughter that that man will never ever, marry her while there is breath
in his body. Daughter bursts into tears and storms up to her room. The wailing coming from upstairs eventually gets to Dad's
conscience and he goes upstairs.
They have a deep and meaningful discussion and after many hours, Dad caves in and agrees
to the marriage for the sake of family harmony and his daughter's future happiness.
There's just one thing that you MUST
promise me. I know what these Scum bastards are all about. If EVER he asks you for sex the other way round, you must say no.
Now
the daughter is young, sweet and innocent and doesn't have a clue what Daddy is on about. Daddy doesn't want to explain right
now, but promises that if the need ever arises, she will.
So the sweet young thing marries the Scum bastard, the ceremony
and the reception pass off without incident, and the young pair go off to start their new life together. All is sweetness
and roses for about six months until one day the young woman remembers the proviso to the marriage.
"Tosser," she says,
"have you ever thought about having sex the other way round?"
The Scum bastard replies, "What, and fill the fu*king house
with children?"
For years, a young United Fan had been taking holidays at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you phone when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said,
"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have
a ba***rd in the family than a United Fan."
Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the premiership and each proclaimed
to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the
most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top. The Arsenal fan
hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Gooners!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the
Newcastle fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Magpies!" Seeing this, the Liverpool fan walked
over and shouted "This is for the true Reds and everyone!" and pushed the Man United fan off the side of the mountain.
Q... Daddy, Daddy, why is that lion licking his bum?
A... Son, that's because he has just eaten a United fan and
is trying to get rid of the taste.
Q... What is the ideal weight of a United Fan?
A... About three pounds, including the urn.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Man U fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they
were Man U fans too. Not really knowing what a Man U fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into
the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The
teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Man U fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"I'm proud to be a City fan.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Lucy why she is a City fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are City fans, and I'm a City fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's
no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a druggy, and your dad was a pimp. What would you be then?" A pause, and
a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Man U fan."
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly,"
replies the doctor, "Where do you think those glory hunters Man United fans come from?"
Two man Utd fans in London (at Home) walked past a shop and saw the sign- Shirts 50p Trousers £1.
One said 'great value!
lets buy some.'
Other says 'don't let them know we're Man u fans or they'll try to rip us off.' So they hide their scarves.
They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each.
The assistant asked "are you Man u fans"
to which they replied "yes".
He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.' --------
A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an
old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided
to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable
to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back,
"Just 3 sacks."
The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had
the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack
with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the scum
fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, "Potatoes".
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks
St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims
the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh
really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds
to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave
10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay",
said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now
fuck off".
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